I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
