Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
