turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
