Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
