the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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