Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
