You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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