I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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