Sponge bath it is.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
