I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
bring money and cleavage
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
