Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
