VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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