Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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