Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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