So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
People in love make me want to vomit
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
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