Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
