Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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