threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
