you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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