found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
