perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
