the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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