i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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