Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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