I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I touched a dick in church today
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
