At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
