Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
