It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
