I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
