From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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