my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
