I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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