Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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