wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
