One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
