what day is it and did you see me today?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
