Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
