So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
