dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
