so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
