I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
