I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
