her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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