I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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