Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
