sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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