there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
