Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
