there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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