Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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